Inspirational Awakening

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Then onto my teen years. My mom had a few boyfriends back then. The majority didn’t like me and my brother too well, but mainly my brother, I guess it was jealousy. Some were okay others weren’t. Some treated us like crap, others looked out for us. When they picked at my brother, I once again became a protector of my family and especially him. Now they had to get back at me right. What was closest to me back them? My animals. So how did one get to me? He would torture my dog, all the time, beat him, kicked him, whatever he could because he knew it hurt me and I would defend my dogs as I would family. I got punished a lot usually for sticking up for my brother. My mom would get mad because we embarrassed her and would be upset. I had a lot to say about my mom but we have since made up and I really don’t want to discuss that now.

My grandparents were like a second mom and dad for me though. We ended up getting new neighbors when I turned 15 and they had a teenage son. My aunt talked my mom into letting me date him, huge mistake and I mean mistake. I had no experience with boys at all. I had a very isolated life, no boyfriends or anything up to that point. For years I didn’t even really have many friends at school maybe one or two. I was too shy. I couldn’t even look most people in the eye, especially if they intimidated me. I force myself to do it now though regardless. I even got fired from my first job because I couldn’t look at people, when I took their order, and when my boss confronted me about messing up orders I got fired when I refused to look him in the eye. Now back to the guy.

My mom gave in and let me date him. He was my first everything, and I do mean everything. Her never ever pressured me into having sex, but I was so naive I thought if I did we would get married and live happily ever after. I was way to innocent. I finally gave into him, in the back seat of his car, in the middle of a ball field. A month later he broke up with me and went back to his ex girlfriend. I was devastated I was completely heartbroken. Nobody knew about us and everyone began to wonder why I had so suddenly become so angry. I was angry with everyone and life in general. I was ashamed and completely pissed off It didn’t help that he lived next door and I got to watch him and his girlfriend together on a daily basis either.

The next guy I dated , well we ended up dating for at least a year maybe two. . he cheated on me constantly. He cheated on me as much as I changed clothes and that was a lot.. I also got in a lot of trouble with him. I ended up running away from home. He ended up getting arrested when my mom found out I was having sex with him. My mom was going to send me to a girl’s home but my oldest sister stepped in and stopped it. That was with the help of her(Mom’s) new boyfriend, now husband. I ended up going to my cousin’s house for about a month maybe a little less.

Now I was the rebel, the black sheep of the family. I was forbidden to see the guy anymore, but I snuck around and saw him anyways. My mom became afraid of me, and I felt like I finally had some control over my life. In reality I was more out of control then, than I ever had been. My anger was to the extreme. I would literally fly into rages and I cared about nothing and noone. I had, had my taste of men and If they could play I could too. Boy did I play. I never did sleep with a bunch of guys, no I felt I was to good for that, but I did have a few boyfriends and I learned to play games. I stayed with some of these guys for awhile a year here or there. I did hurt a lot of those guys. I did it intentionally too at times. I have since tried to make up for that, some of them I am friends with now, but I did play people and I am not proud of that.

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