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Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003 I have a couple of questions for you. If a person no longer feels they love their spouse, is it time to divorce? Also, do you think a person who has had an affair can change enough for the betrayed to forgive and continue the marriage? Is it possible to salvage a marriage after the affair? Marie Marie, a book could be written on each of your questions, but the last question sounds like the one you are really asking. What do you mean by salvage? Do you mean the cake just fell on the floor and the guests are arriving. Can we patch it together and serve it from the kitchen so no one notices what happened? Or do you mean, after an affair, can you have the kind of marriage you would wish for your son or daughter? Marriage is a relationship different from all others. You can date many people, you can be friends with many people, you can be neighbors to many people. But the act of getting married says I choose this one unique being to share everything with me for the rest of my life. The basis for willingly binding yourself to one person is love. Their fidelity allows you to believe in their love. Their fidelity allows you to sustain your love. But if that person is unfaithful then they, not you, have brought their love into question. Infidelity validates your doubts about their love. The idea of fidelity is in the marital vows because it is essential. Fidelity is the one thing promised in virtually every religious tradition and understood worldwide. Why? Because breaking faith breaks the marriage. It is possible to forgive betrayal, but in our experience it is not possible to forget it. That would be like forgetting you have kids. It isn't going to happen. The unfaithful person would like the other person to forget, and the one betrayed would like to forget, but barring amnesia they cannot. How do you believe "I love you" after you have been betrayed? That is what people ask us years and even decades afterwards. For some people who stay in the marriage, divorce was not an option. For many people, it is not the case that they healed after infidelity. They simply live with the pain. Is that a "marriage" salvaged? Others claim you can get over infidelity. We say you may not be able to overcome infidelity. The difference is we focus on the innocent party. Wayne & Tamara Shop Talk I am an advice columnist myself, a Dutch one from Holland. I read your column online because I appreciate your work, your tone and style. My question is how do you get your quotes from world literature? I mean, the questions from your correspondents are pretty much straightforward. Mostly I agree with your advice, but you quite often have allusions to Shakespeare or Hemingway or other writers, allusions which corroborate your point in a wonderful, illuminating way. How come you have these citations at hand so easily? Do you go through books when answering questions? Do you have citation books or indexes? Or just an excellent memory? Beatrijs Beatrijs, a poem by Lawrence Ferlinghetti talks about a pickpocket who looks at a saint and sees nothing but pockets. We write about relationships because we see the world as nothing but relationships. When we look at a letter, our experience and these allusions just pop out. In the case of your letter, it was a line from a poem one of us read decades ago. We don't have perfect memories either. Most of us know much more than we think we know. Part of finding the answer to our problems involves letting what we know out. Part of finding the answer to our problems involves reading each situation with the sum total of our life experience. Wayne & Tamara Create Killer Solo Ads Quickly. - Seven essential Building Bricks of profitable solo ads. How To Make A Living As An Artist. - The Essential And Best Guide For Survival And Success As A Full Time Professional Artist. Article Index: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 |
More Articles:1. There Is Always Room For Improvement By Steve Hill When I was twelve my parents bought me a five foot snooker table for my birthday. This turned out to be the best present I was ever bought and I quickly became hooked on the game. My friends would regularly come round to my house for a game and when they were not there I would practice on my own.After a few months a few of us decided to join a snooker club where we could play on full size tables. I was amazed the first time I saw one of these t… 2. When Self-Growth becomes Self-Sabotage By Marie-Pier Charron Many of us invest quality time and energy in our personal development. We buy inspiring books, sometimes with the workbooks or journals that complement them. We discuss psychology with our friends, or we look for friends with whom we can have open discussions on the subject. There is activity in our mind—at times, a little bit of confusion. We encounter so many different lines of thoughts, so many tools, so many exploratory exercises we can do.… 3. In-spire Your True Essence By Ken Donaldson One of the essential qualities of your personal spirituality, or your Soul print, is giving yourself permission to be unique and different.Ask yourself: What inspires you?What motivates you?What is it that you feel the most passionate and driven by? Sometimes you will find that the place where you feel uncomfortable, awkward, weird, anxious and/or nervous, is the place where you may need to be in order to fully express your true self. The dis… 4. Smile! Banish Your Fear By Petra Rankin Changing our physiology is one of the best ways to change the way we think and feel. Smiling (and I don't mean just a little smile - a big grin will do!) has the ability to change how we feel in an instant. Laughter too, is one of the best ways to heal our mind and body, hence the proliferation of laughter classes all around the world.If you consider this idea cute, but not worthwhile, here is an example of how I cured panic attacks by ch… |